808s and Heartbreaks

She is feeling: utterly entranced and ecstatic at the amazing Radiohead set she just saw which brought down the stellar curtain on Reading.
She is also: utterly heartbroken at having met a great guy on Friday, who she saw again on the Sunday of the festival and had this mega mega connection with, like insanely, and then to watch him walk off as the litter pickers started clearing up the mess. They may as well have swept up her heart which had just fallen onto the ground.
It was hot, sexy, beardy kissing, and a hell of a lot of it. He said amazing things, about her eyes, her smile, her life, everything. In short, she had one of the best nights of her life. But what happened? What happened? He seemed intent on them going their separate ways despite everything - which, it has to be said, was definitely not imagined.
He wrote a note for her on a five pound note, and, seeming as torn as she, said if it ever made its way to her hands again they were meant to be together. He said it felt like he was a missing opportunity and that there were things he should be saying. She just wanted the question why to be answered.
Maybe it was just a festival romance - those gems that are even more truncated than holiday loves, but burn just as brightly. Maybe he's married with five-and-a-half kids. Maybe they'll get married and recount this story over dinner party tables. At this particular point in time, none of those options sound too far fetched to her.
Radiohead and Gaslight Anthem (their first kiss) will never sound quite the same again. And if you see a fiver with Love in the Time of Cholera written on it in a running-out biro? Do let her know. It's got her name on it.

* She's just checked by the way - there are 1,302,000,000 five pound notes in circulation at the moment. This could take some time.

Boom bang a bang

How disappointing. Her reaction, that is, to seeing that she has a new Facebook message from the Uni Boy. She isn't 16 any more (happily. honestly, who would really want to turn back time and be filled with all the angst and hormones? not me) so why is her heart now threatening to burst out of her ribcage? Bugger. She really did not expect that. Thought she had realised he is a bit of a player, and can be a bit of a tosser. BUGGER. Better see what he says....

Male intuition

Turns out it actually does exist.
She's decided that really, in her heart of hearts, things aren't going to go anywhere with Daniel. There is no specific reason (but his lack of physicality and bad grammar really don't help - someone in their twenties should know the difference between 'to' and 'too', and 'there' and 'their'). There's no big banging-heart-flutteriness going on. Maybe it's unrealistic to hope for it. Isn't it worse to give up your chance of achieving it though?
However, the big 'but' coming up here is that she really hates to upset people, which makes her life a tad difficult at times. So, against her better judgement (and passing up a chance to see a band playing with her workmate just down the road, damn!) she went for another drink with him. In the last chance saloon.
They were having their third drink when he punched her on the arm (see, told you physicality was an issue) and said: "Hey! I was really nervous about coming to meet you tonight!".
When she asked why, he looked down and said: "I dunno. I thought you were going to say you didn't want to carry on seeing me or something."
Of course, any sane person would have grasped this opportunity along with the Pinot Grigio and said: "Yes. I'm sorry. But this really isn't going to work. Another drink?"
But no. She lied. And waffled slightly. And is now regretting that as he keeps texting and calling her. The eagerness is ever-so offputting. That whole thing about playing hard to get? It's definitely true.
He was at home with his family for a few days, so she didn't want to call to have The Chat with him there. She's done that before, at the age of 16. Wondering why her paramour wasn't sounding too overly heartbroken at the dumpage, she heard him hiss down the line: "I'm watching Neighbours. With MY MUM." And texting is just wrong, wrong, wrong. How about meeting up and giving false hope, is that any better really? Conundrums.
Before you ask, there aren't really any other fine specimens out there in the old fishing net of life unfortunately. Mr Sixty-shirts is trying to muscle back in on the scene with some amusing (and fastiduously grammatically correct) emails.
Then there is the most gorgeous, gorgeous man from work who she met out on a job last week. Goodness, but his EYES. They are literally hypnotising. There's a chance he may be at a friend's wedding reception in a few weeks' time. GOD she hopes so.
Before that though, there's the fun of Reading Festival ahead. She's armed with a backstage pass. She has her eyes on a few musician types. She's heard there'll be free beer. This could be dangerous!
It may be an idea to clear her conscience and end the whole thing with Daniel first though... But how?

Jinx

She thinks she must be a jinx. Why, you ask? Because she just found out the boy she kissed on the friend's sofa the other weekend is moving. To Hong Kong. Not that she had any hopes of romance with him you understand, it just seems a bit of an odd coincidence!

You also have to bear in mind that her first ever, ever boyfriend, the one she went out with at primary school, held hands in the school playground with and danced with at the end-of-term disco (wearing a neon pink and white striped jersey dress and knee-high neon pink socks - hey, that would be a good look right now!) ended up gay.

She's had her doubts about subsequent boyfriends as well, it has to be said.

Oh and THEN there was the guy who asked her out on her first (and worst) ever date at the age of 15. They went to see Nell, it was terrible. He clammily grabbed her hand half way through the film, which was even more terrible. It was like holding a sweaty dead fish that she desparately wanted to drop. Anyway, him. Turns out he liked to go shopping in New Look. FOR HIMSELF. She should really have heard alarm bells when he wore a rather delicate silver ring with a daisy on it. Suffice to say, that never really went anywhere. Thank the Lord. And to be fair, she only really went along with it as her friend wanted to go out with New Look Boy's friend, so they decided a double date would be the thing. First and last. Really, why does anyone ever think double dating is a good idea?

That gets her thinking. What was your worst ever date? Any tales of woe will be welcomed!

Ask me no questions...

Him: Can I ask you an awkward question?
LL (in her head): Why not just ask the question? Doesn't saying it's awkward MAKE it awkward?
LL (out loud): Sure!

Him: Are you errr... are you seeing anyone else?
LL (in her head): If I say no, does that mean I'm not allowed to any more?
LL (out loud): Nope! But I am married with five kids! I told you that bit... right?

Him: So, have you told anyone about me?
LL (in her head): Where to start...
LL (out loud): Errr. Just a few friends.

Him: Oh okay. Cool. It's just that you're quite hard to read, that's all.

Hello! Hard to read? She is about the easiest to read person ever. Or so she thought. Maybe she's actually been playing her cards closer to her chest on this one (to Daniel, at least) than she thought. She did kind of think they were just dating and going to fun places though, and to be honest wasn't ready for any form of relationship chat, no matter how tentative.

Perhaps agreeing to go round to his house (on the other side of town. on a Sunday when all the Tubes are misbehaving) was not the best idea. She did kind of think, once she'd got there. Christ, I'm in his HOUSE. What now? At least she knew he wasn't going to try and jump her. And he didn't, so don't worry.

They took a walk down through sunny Surrey to the river and had a drink, and she felt much more comfortable. Funny, that! Then back to his to watch films and drink wine, which again was nice... but she thinks she isn't feeling as comfortable with him as she should be. Then there was the odd strange comment from him...

Him: You know, you haven't taken your shoes off the whole time you've been here.
LL (in her head): It's because we've been walking loads and it's hot and my feet + tiny flat would really not be a brilliant combination.
LL (out loud): Oh! So I haven't.

Any other guy, with a girl he really likes IN HIS HOUSE, might have tried to snuggle up during the film, right? Or at least get her to help him when he was making dinner and have that as an excuse to get a bit closer and have a bit of flirty food cooking action. Or when he was playing her some songs he's recorded (sounds cheesy as hell, yes, but they were actually, genuinely really really good). Oh well, so you'd have thought.

But yet again, it's the romantic setting of any public transport station that wins out. Minimal kissing action. Even though what there was, was good. Her head is hurting from thinking too much again. It's just that this already feels a bit more difficult than it should really be for a bit of fun.

States of Flux

Utterly infuriating. But she has this trait that defines her, much as she wishes it wouldn't - indecision. That, coupled with the inability at times to know what she really wants. Symptomatic of life in general? Perhaps. Much like anyone else? Perhaps. Annoying as hell all the same.

Thing is, she was going on (and on) about how much she wanted to go on dates. That to go for dinner, to a film, for a drink, and have fun was all she wanted at the moment.

What she didn't realise is that you can't have your cake and eat it. That dates, have to lead somewhere - or nowhere.

Overthinking, if you hadn't guessed, is another one of her flaws. Because this thing with the indie boy is so new, it doesn't even have a name. She should just be enjoying it, right?

They met up briefly on Tuesday, by the way fact fans!

She got stung by a wasp she leaned on outside a Chelsea pub (seriously, how does that happen? The wasp must have landed in the split second she was putting her arm and cold beer down on the table. It BLOODY HURT). It has to be said he dealt with things admirably.

After saying: "You leant on a wasp???" he pulled concerned faces, they drank the beer, he advised anti-histamines (wise move), and he rather deliciously slowly ran his thumb over her swollen red arm and asked if it hurt. It didn't, obviously.

She sneakily had double-booked, squeezing in a drink with the boy after work before meeting her lovely uni friend she hadn't seen for far, far too long. Oh, and she was late (part bloody tubes, part wanting to look nice and spending too long getting ready). But it was worth it to get to know him a bit better.

He has this fabulous thing whereby his whole face crinkles up when he smiles, by the way. And lovely darkest green eyes. He is beyond thoughtful, printing out a map so she knew how to get to the restaurant to see her friend. And then ending up walking with her anyway.

And after learning her friend was running late for their dinner date, she leant in, this time for some good old-fashioned snogging. Hurray! Again! Hand-holding is also a marvellous invention, even tho not necessarily the most romantic thing on a hot summer's day.

But here's the thing. What happens now? They're talking all the time, and now they're friends on Facebook they're practically married, right? That's a joke, don't worry...

Maybe she should just forget all the what nows, for now. And stop trying to pick holes in a non-existent relationship. Here's a confession though - she is scared of getting too deep into something that she can't get out of. She can't stand feeling trapped. It's happened far too many times before. Neither does she want him, or her, to end up getting hurt.

There's nothing wrong with just having fun, right?

He's recently come out of a really long-term relationship anyway, so God only knows what's going on in his head. He could be on the rebound, he could be one of those fabled serial monogamists. So, is this the time to be asking questions about what they both want? Or quit talking and get on with the kissing?

Tra la la!

Last night was a bit of a low point. She ended up watching Castaway by mistake and felt that Tom Hanks's futile attempt to reach what was essentially a worn-out football with a human face while stranded in the ocean was very much a metaphor for her own life.

But then, but then. She decided to give things another shot. Perhaps going to the gym/sorting out paperwork would have been a more useful way to spend her Sunday.

But then, she would never have ended up kissing Daniel would she???

HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First they saw a brilliant Hitchcock film, then went to a pub BBQ, then hung out by the river, walking around all day. Then, on the walk back home, he said: "Can I hold your hand? I've wanted to all day."

She, as you can imagine, didn't need an excuse. The hand holding, she can report, was good. And even better, albeit briefly as his train was pulling into the station, was a sweet kiss (and I don't mean a peck this time) goodnight.

Happy days.

Almost perfect...

This is getting a tad embarrassing now. She can hardly look you in the eye, as a fully-fledged 29-year-old with more than a wee bit of experience when it comes to the lesser sex. But she hates to admit that she fluffed it again. Or rather, it was fluffed. The ending of the date.

It was a fantastic date as well! Most fun she had had for ages (with her clothes on). They went to the late night opening of the Summer Exhibition at the RA, pausing for a glass of Rose wine in the courtyard before two hours of laughing, culture and flirting inside. Seriously, he was standing very close to her. She realised that he is actually very hot indeed. They had so much fun being silly in there, and then at the (admittedly weird) restaurant (which sold no booze, hence the weirdness!), and then at the Leicester Square bar (shoulder touching on the way there). And then? No prizes for guessing. Back on the tube, where they said farewell with not a hint of action.

But she can tell that there is something there. It's not just her imagination, which the cynics amongst you may be saying! There is definitely something. At least now she knows for sure she wants to kiss him. Heck, she is DYING to kiss him! She got hassled by two drunk Aussies on the Tube on the way home, and was almost tempted to join them just so she got a snog out of the evening! Don't worry, she didn't though - they were a bit too drunk and Australian for her liking. And picking someone up on the Tube is asking for trouble. She understands the Topshop Buyer was in the vicinity this evening as well and would have been tempted to try her luck there as well (but didn't. don't worry).

She had brought out her sexiest dress as well, made her hair look as good as it ever will at this length, and worn her least-Pat Butcher dangly earrings. Her ex would have been throwing himself at her at this point. Plan B? Well, that's to bring out the expensive bottle of wine tomorrow and get him over to her south London roof terrace. Where they shall drink the lot. Cheap tactics, but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

Her rather lovely flatmate is now surprisingly single by the way, ladies. Anyone got any potential candidates she could set him up with? And don't even suggest it, in case you were thinking that way! Certain men - housemates, friend's brothers (err but not ex-boyfriend's brothers), bosses - are strictly off limits. He sees her in pyjamas and knows she has Sex and the City (as opposed to just Sex) marathons, for goodness sake. We all know there is nothing even remotely sexy about that.

Oh and another random offshoot (sorry, I'm full of them - but then it is just gone midnight) - she just saw the MOST misogynistic film cinema has ever made! Okay, it's fun to see mindless candyfloss type films from time to time. But The Ugly Truth just set feminism back about 50 years! Katherine Heigl, what were you thinking?

If you've not seen it, the premise is this: Women cannot hold down a successful career and also be attractive to men. Women immediately scream and jump up and down if a man they like shows a smidgen of interest. Women should be seen (and especially their breasts) and not heard. Women are control freaks. Women need to erase their personality to get men interested (because that, apparently, is the sole aim of their lives). Okay, that may seem a bit hypocritical given the nature of this blog, but in all honesty, this is only one small facet of my life. Gerard Butler didn't even have the decency to look hot in it - instead he was a sweaty, bloaty-faced blob, while Heigl looked stunning as ever.

Ah well. Rant over. Resumption of normal service follows...

A kiss on the lips is better than none...

Sorry to paraphrase Florence&The Machine there. But there it is. A kiss (can a peck be called a kiss?) at the tube station is what she got on date three with Daniel. It lasted all of... oooh, half a second?
She doesn't want you to think she is obssessed with kissing boys. Which is not remotely true. It's just that this is all very sedate, all very new to her. Really, you don't want to know what happened on the first date with the ex in a very public place. And going from that, to having fantastic dates but with no physical contact is just a little bit odd.
There's been no hand-holding, no nothing. They had a few drinks by the Thames, and the skies had the good sense not to unleash gallons of rain overhead. He'd bought her a copy of his favourite book, which looks cool and was a beyond-sweet gesture. Don't worry, it's not the Bible. Or the Kama Sutra for that matter. Things would probably be looking a tad different if it were either of those.
The truth is, she still doesn't know what is happening here, or if there is a spark. She was kind of hoping a kiss would help her to decide. But surely a spark is a pretty obvious thing? They definitely get on. He is definitely cute (especially when he smiles). He also has Nice Hands. He also comes out with random facts, like that dipping cucumber in sugar makes it taste like melon. These things are all VERY important indeed.
She was bed-bound earlier this week (in a non-kinky way) and ended up watching a heap of Sex and the City, in true girl-cliche fashion. And there it was, said loud on the screen for all to hear - Carrie echoing her thoughts by admitting: "I'm lonely." Well kids, there it is.
It probably didn't help then that the ex sent a really lovely text to her last night, saying that he still cares, even though they're not together. True, she doesn't want to be back with him. But it sometimes hits her, right in the middle of her stomach, that she really is on her own (marvellous friends aside, of course. However, they tend not to have manly chests that are just right for sleeping on).
The whole thing confuses her, which will no doubt make this a rather convoluted blog post (plus she's been sick, so bear with her!).
On the one hand, she is beyond happy being single. It makes absolute sense, as she is figuring out her life and finds that so much easier to do being on her own. Plus, she's had too much experience in the past of being with the wrong person and feeling horribly stuck. It's fun, and she gets to spend time with her favourite person (herself).
And yet. And yet sometimes she has this idealised view of what it would be like to be with this perfect guy, who would somehow just float down and make everything alright. Realistic, hey?
Let's see what happens when she sees Daniel tomorrow. Her fabulous friend D has suggested getting him horribly drunk. Her wise friend K has said maybe he is an old-fashioned gentleman... and that we're just not used to that. She may just be right, you know.

Single in the City

One problem she didn't foresee when planning the move to London (who is she kidding? She didn't so much plan it, but basically just flung boxes into the back of her well-loved but slightly beaten-up Fiesta and hit the M4) was that all of her lovely single friends would be coupled up by the time she got there.
With only one exception, they are literally ALL loved up. Tall boys, short boys, funny boys, smiley boys - they seem to have found all the decent specimins and rounded them up. Which is obviously great for them, and it also gives her hope that there are some non-trolls out there in the big, wide world.
To their credit, they are, by and large, not the kind of girls who automatically become surgically attached to their boyfriends and refuse to leave the house without them - meaning cocktail drinking, Wagamama's and dancing is still very much on the cards.
It's just... it's just that she feels even more like The Only Single Girl in the City now. Being summer doesn't massively help, with couples smooching on every street corner, and doing dubious things under rugs in the park (subtle, no?).
At a friend's 30th last night, surrounded by people who know The Ex incidentally, she was asked (yet again) if she is seeing anyone. And while it's okay-ish to say: "Oh, I've been on a couple of dates...", people's eyes inevitably start glazing over if there is no bona-fide boy gossip.
Then there are the weddings and engagements. She was genuinely pleased for the friend (of a friend) who told her all about her romantic engagement story last night, and is looking forward to the two weddings she's off to this year (refreshingly out of the main wedding-season time frame). But all of that seems a million light years away for her. Actually, that sounds a little too close, and suggests there might even be a light at the end of the tunnel. There really isn't.
What of indie boy Daniel? Well, they've been texting (a tad teenage, no?). And she might pop round to see him tonight on her way back from Sunday lunch en famille, but literally doesn't feel like she has the energy. To see him, or for any of this anymore. Is it really meant to be this difficult? Answers on a postcard please...